SPOKANE, WASHINGTON — In what is being called the biggest, and first, picnic table news event of all time, a city in Washington, U.S.A is under siege from an as of yet unidentified table-stacking menace. This insidious villain, already dubbed Picnic Table Enemy No. 1 by world media, has left no trace of his true identity, though he tantalizes authorities with cryptic notes and letters.
Thus far, two structures have been found by local residents. The first pyramid was more simple, while the second was built out of approximately 35 tables.
I’d be lying if I said the structures, which authorities have had to remove with cranes and forklifts, weren’t impressive feats of covert engineering. Much like the ingeniously designed crop-circle patterns that appear in American cornfields, the construction of these pyramids must require both stealth and efficiency. We’re left puzzled as to how this many picnic tables could be moved and stacked without detection in just the few hours between nightfall and daybreak. We’re also left puzzled as to the motivation behind building these structures. It’s quite evident to me they’re meant to frighten and intimidate the people of Spokane into submission, an act of terror-vandalism, which is a real thing that I just made up. Other less paranoid people say it’s a work of art or a simple prank. We’ll see who’s right when Spokane is held ransom under a giant picnic-table-jenga tower — but I digress.
Will the mysterious table stacking menace strike again? Only time will tell. Local authorities have been investigating the acts of vandalism, and have stated the towers are no laughing matter. A letter found atop the second stack of tables identified the vandals as four local teens, although this is obviously an elaborate attempt to fool authorities into looking at the wrong suspects. Obviously, the real perpetrator is a master of deception, cunning, and villainy. We retain a watchful eye on Spokane as events continue to unfold.